remember be better.

2010-10-22T12:35:00.001-10:00

used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.

2010-02-16T14:02:00.000-10:00

It has been a slice. Time to move on to bigger and better things.

xo.

2010-01-27T15:08:00.003-10:00

All I want to do is move home.

I hate this city and everything about it.

so it looks like it is going to be nf for the next few years. Woo.

2010-01-21T16:44:00.001-10:00

you know you've hit an all time low when you are sitting in bed in a red housejacket eating ice cream right out of the tub and all you want to do is watch the jersey shore finale.

2009-12-27T16:40:00.003-10:00

I want to learn more in the political science field.

I feel like McMaster really didn't allow me to do so.

I mean, I could so be a Terror Expert.

2009-12-26T13:18:00.003-10:00

ha.

missing people is probably the most terrible feeling in the world.

and not being able to do anything about the missing is even worse.

2009-12-22T21:25:00.001-10:00

I try not to judge

but you make it easy.

2009-12-21T06:04:00.001-10:00

I'm never content with what I do. I live in a sort of permanent dissatisfaction. I think that's the secret to doing things well.

- Karl Lagerfield.

2009-12-14T05:47:00.002-10:00

I have zero patience for a few people as of late and I really don't want anything to do with them. I'm over one sided friendships, selfish people and those people who are way too self involved. Sometimes I feel like I am constantly burning bridges but there are a few people in my life who I would rather focus on than be so drained by people who cannot make the effort anymore.

2009-12-12T02:47:00.001-10:00

I was carried away.
my beloved ibook g4 died today and it may be the lamest thing to say but I was legitimately upset by this loss. It had a good life in terms of a laptop that is and considering the wear and tear I put it through over the five years that we were together. I feel like a little chapter of my life was put to rest today as I rushed to able twice today hoping that she could be revived. During the first journey she was and I was able to bring her home and do one final back up on the lacie so that all my files were saved. But unfortunately after the final back up she just died. I think I may be in denial that something can be done to revive her and as I sit here looking at this beautiful 2100 dollar MacBook Pro I cannot help but wonder what the next five years of my life are going to bring. It was almost a final concrete goodbye to my undergrad and a harsh realization that I am one step closer to becoming a “real person”. The scary thing is I have no idea what the hell I am going to be doing come April 2011. For once in my life I am not going to pre plan every little detail of my life, I am going to let whatever happens, happen. For so long I thought I wanted to work in this fashion industry but the more I think about it and work through this program I am really starting to question if this is the right path for me. I am really not sure if working in such a superficial industry is one where I will be happy but I am starting to realize that Public Relations and Event Management may be the route I want to take.

rip carrie bb, you will be missed the most.

now I long for yesterday.

2009-12-10T19:07:00.001-10:00

I wish I knew when this feeling set in, this one of total displacement and resentment. The constant feeling of searching for some sort of comfort or for a sign to let me know that I’ve made the right decision. I spend 99% of my time in this city alone and for the most part I really do not mind it, I have my tv shows, my books, my school work to occupy my time but I can’t help but feel like something is missing. Being away from the people you’re closest with is not something I think a person ever gets used to but rather it is what that person does to deal with the loneliness. I’m trying to remember the last time I didn’t feel like I was walking around like a zombie and I had a total connection to what I was doing or to certain people in my life and I can’t. What makes matters worse is being away from those people who no matter what they do or say, you still just want to be around them because they make everything seem like it is going to be all right. The constant drain of being there for people who cannot even have the common courtesy to do the smallest favour wears thin on a persons patience. I wish I could find some sort of solace soon because after more than 6 months this is getting sort of old. So many times in my life people have called me cold, blunt, emotionless yet those people never made any attempt to get to know me. Judging someone because you think you know them so well off of one event is not a fair thing to do. For the past little way I have found myself so nostalgic for a simpler time, grade eleven maybe. I just want to go back and sit in that ski lodge at Holiday Valley laughing and talking about nothing in particular. Sometimes when I look back at my life over the past seven years it really blows my mind how many friendships were made and broken and people met based off of one simple gesture. Rarely in my life do I miss people, I guess that is a characteristic of being cold and emotionless, the ability to cut a person out of your life like it is nothing, however there are a few people who I miss so dearly it almost hurts. Yet I’ve come to terms with the missing and it is the precious memories that I go over in my head, replaying second by second, minute by minute. Wondering and hoping that those times meant something to someone else as well. I take the TTC countless times, walk around the streets of Toronto looking at faceless crowds, almost look to meet a particular gaze, it has yet to happen. Just waiting to turn the corner to see you there. I don’t know if it is a sigh of relief or a feeling of disappoint every time I don’t see you. Ironically enough I don’t know what I would do if I did see you, I don’t need or want anything from you. I’m going to continue to read my overly generic coming of age books and listen to my angst filled music and do what I have to do.

2009-12-08T09:28:00.002-10:00

I used to complain about how much I hated university but looking back everyday I find myself missing it more and more. It is now at the point where I just made a mock schedule on the McMaster website for which classes I would have taken this school year. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying what I am doing now but there is ZERO intellectual stimulation here in college. I over study for all my tests and they are MULTIPLE CHOICE. I really do not even remember the last time I had multiple choice tests, grade ten careers maybe. Where are the 4 page short answer questions and two long essays? I feel like I didn't learn enough or I have missed out on some sort of knowledge. I think everyday it is becoming more and more clear that I will end up teaching at the post secondary level. This has always been a career path that I have kept in the back of my mind. I am truly a nerd and truly love academia. I think too big, I think too much. The other night at dinner I explained to my parents how I will never openly support another Canadian Political Party as I agree and disagree with many policies of all the parties we have here but rather I am a supporter of democracy. My poor parents just nodded and smiled while I ranted about the youth voting rate. I need to find a way to combine my two passions in life, Fashion and Political Science, I mean I guess I will settle for wearing my Barack Obama T shirts for now. But something has got to give.

2009-12-04T21:21:00.000-10:00

what a lovely walk down memory lane.

2009-11-22T19:33:00.001-10:00

my life has become a big nostalgic mess.

2009-11-22T19:23:00.001-10:00

and I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic.

2009-11-21T20:36:00.000-10:00

I just want to live with se again and go to concerts 24/7 and have movie marathons.

2009-11-21T09:30:00.001-10:00

lowered expectations.

2009-11-07T08:13:00.001-10:00

catch 22.

2009-11-01T15:38:00.001-10:00

feeling friendships fade away is an odd feeling.

tweet, tweet!

2009-10-29T09:51:00.001-10:00

http://twitter.com/kristenster

2009-10-29T09:31:00.001-10:00

I

m

u.

woah, wtf is this.

Immerse your soul in love.

2009-10-29T09:13:00.005-10:00

I hope in the end all that I'm giving up
it will have been worth it.

my soul has officially been sold to fashion school.

Sara was right
All I have ever talked about was going to Fashion school
and now that I'm here, all I talk about is being in Fashion school and what I am going to be doing post Fashion school.

with everyone that I meet in the industry and the more involved that I get in it, it just confirms exactly what I knew it was going to take. Complete sacrifice and focus.

that is what it is going to take.

Having gone to university already, I am more than ready for this.

I immersed my soul in Political Science to the full extent and there are many times I miss that field so so so much. But I realize it is only going to help me in where I want to be. Politics will always be a part of my life as fashion has always been my life. Maybe it is my ultimate goal to find the perfect mix of politics and fashion, to find a way to feel like what I am doing has a purpose. Maybe that does mean eventually getting my MA in fashion studies as getting my masters has always been an ultimate goal to me. Only time will tell where this is headed but what I know for now is that I couldn't be happier with the decision I made.

2009-10-15T07:44:00.001-10:00

I knew all I needed was time.

2009-10-06T15:36:00.001-10:00

1000 thoughts.

zero words.

2009-09-22T18:15:00.001-10:00

and sometimes
you just know.

nostalgic coffee date.

2009-09-02T17:22:00.002-10:00

I went for coffee with one of my oldest / dearest friends this evening. We met in SK and remained close friends for a very long time, she was my roommate in res in first year university. Granted we are the definition of polar opposites she is a person who has always been there for me. We have been lucky to have the sort of friendship that even if we don't speak for an extended period of time we pick up right where we left off. Our hangout tonight was a lovely mix of conversations of all sorts. She is a lovely person and the person that she has become is one that I am truly proud to call my friend. She is so independent, and strong and hearing her speak about her views on life and love and higher education to name a few were so interesting. It is so crazy to have known a person for about 18 years and see the progression of their life amount into a person who speaks with such grace and conviction. We ran into a friend who also went to McMaster and it was just the oddest thing to sit there and discuss what we are doing post undergrad as it feels like just yesterday we were sitting in a similar location discussing which res we got into.

I wish her nothing but the best in the future and know she is one of those friends who will be invited to my wedding as she has been a person not only my family I live with but extended family as well were able to have a relationship as well.

2009-09-02T12:05:00.002-10:00

Realizing you probably made the wrong decision is not the easiest thing to come to terms with.

2009-08-18T05:10:00.001-10:00

brb blogspot.
see you in september.

2009-08-06T12:30:00.001-10:00

I couldn't even imagine.

only the good die young.

<3.

2009-08-05T20:35:00.002-10:00

"kristen, I just want everything to go back to normal"

and hearing those few words my heart broke.

stay strong little brother
I love you more than anything.

home is where the heart is.

2009-08-01T19:50:00.002-10:00

my heart will always be in this city.

and no matter what
I don't think I will be able to cut the ties

fam and friends are way too important to me to ever detach myself from this place.

amidst all drama, bad bars and shitty people, I really do enjoy it here.

2009-08-01T13:03:00.001-10:00

and sometimes things just hit a little too close to home.

rip.
<3.

2009-07-28T12:56:00.001-10:00

last summer was so perfect.
i wish i was going to nyc with my greek again.

2009-07-28T09:48:00.001-10:00

obv, I'd freak out.

I'm so predictable when it comes to these sorts of things.

.....sn: I love blueberries.

2009-07-28T05:09:00.002-10:00

I just bought my first package for TIFF.

More will be bought soon.

So friggen stoked.

I love this festival so so so much.

I just wish it was August 20th now so I could have the schedule!

2009-07-27T05:55:00.001-10:00

The most important relationship is the one with yourself because no matter what happens you will always be with yourself.

- dvf.

2009-07-17T09:36:00.001-10:00

le sigh.

2009-07-15T15:11:00.003-10:00

"no matter what happens, I'm glad I came with you"

maybe it is the rain
or the st. vincent I'm listening to,
but Thelma and Louise is one of the best movies I have watched in years and it has me in a "sentimental" mood.

This movie is such a beautiful depiction of the true bond that can be found in female friendships and it made me truly grateful / miss my best female friends.

Feminism is a topic that I have had much discussion about as of late (one that I could write a whole separate blog about, haha. To me the two lead characters in this film are what I would consider to be strong females and I believe that the concept of strong females vs feminists is a concept that many people struggle with on a daily basis.

ellero,
i miss your face you ho!

2009-07-14T05:17:00.000-10:00

i'll try to remember always
just to have a good time

2009-07-11T09:58:00.001-10:00

I don't think I will ever know how I feel about it.

you're a woman, i'm a machine.

2009-07-11T02:19:00.000-10:00

Feminism is a joke.

Tbc...

2009-07-08T17:16:00.003-10:00

fuck it,

I hate you too.

we become what we hate.

2009-07-08T02:52:00.001-10:00

Apparently I'm just like you.

2009-07-07T08:52:00.003-10:00

may I have your heart? he asked,
not quite yet she said, It still isn't ready but I'm getting there.
you keep being you and I'll keep being me and maybe that is all that we will need.

shock me like an electric eel.

2009-07-05T10:08:00.003-10:00

naked grape wine spritzers
lime juggling
couch sleeping
5 gum
the best people
jig judging
pool
spring rolls
sunglasses
queens breakfast

just some of the things that remind of this weekend.

and it just makes me even more excited for TO in September.

also;
good talks with old friends ftw.

"smile for the camera sweetheart"

2009-07-02T02:46:00.000-10:00

The first aof album will always remind me of summer '03.

bones sinking like stones all that we fall for.

2009-07-01T15:19:00.004-10:00

there are a certain few people in my life who I don't even know what I would do without
these certain few are who I lean on, my rocks.
imagining not having them around saddens me to no end.
their presence brings me a great comfort.
and for these certain people they make my battle with cynicism, resentment, negativity and pessimism seem pointless.

ty.

you lost your trust and you never should have.

2009-06-20T03:49:00.000-10:00

You keep proving me wrong but in the best way possible.

I'm starting to think that it is all in my head that I need some sort of closure (for lack of better terms)

This may be just what I need
I just need to learn to let myself finally be.

2009-06-10T08:04:00.001-10:00

kc and se.

those two girls,
they have a special spot in my heart.

glastonbury '10.

aries - June 5th / 2009.

2009-06-05T12:59:00.000-10:00

Frustration may turn into resentment today if you cannot figure out how to express yourself. It might seem as if your normal communication channels are blocked, leaving you to internalize negative feelings. But this probably has less to do with the circumstances that appear to hold you back than with your having to learn a lesson that you tried to avoid. Pay attention; this is your chance to get it right.

.....interesting.

for you i'd bleed myself dry.

2009-06-03T15:16:00.000-10:00

thank you coldplay that was exactly what I needed.

you never fail to disappoint.

2009-05-31T16:32:00.000-10:00

People always feel compelled to sum you up, to presume that they have you and can describe you. That's fine. But there are many stories inside of me and a lot I want to achieve outside of one flat note.

- Heath Ledger.

2009-05-30T20:52:00.001-10:00

I miss real people.

no words.

2009-05-29T10:10:00.002-10:00

someone get me on a plane back to British Columbia STAT.

thoughts become things part two.

2009-05-28T17:06:00.003-10:00

I'm just going to start telling it as it is.

or not commenting.

I've kept my opinions to myself for far too long.

where is my mind?

2009-05-28T10:09:00.003-10:00

I am trying to remember what is like to be sane and I am having a hard time doing so.

edit.
examples:

my laughing attack out of the middle of no where today at work where I could barely breath or comprehend anything I was saying or being told (Ben can attest to this).

my lack of short term memory.

my zillion thoughts a minute that make no sense.

.....I'm blaming this on my balance being off centre.

now that im older my heart's colder.

2009-05-26T13:49:00.002-10:00

I think the fact that I'm "growing up" and not as carefree as I used to be is starting to hit me really hard.

I feel like I am becoming more and more conscious of this daily.

"As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you."
- epl.

stay together for the kids.

2009-05-25T20:20:00.001-10:00

Well that episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8 devastated me.

welcome to wherever you are.

2009-05-25T14:07:00.002-10:00

who do you want to be?
and what will it take to get there?

apathy.

frenemies.

loyalty.

trust.

and in the end
who do you want there with you?

Without music life would be a mistake. ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

2009-05-18T21:18:00.002-10:00

That quote is perfection.

Maybe it was all the Genesis my mom made me listen to as a child
or my dad always letting me order cd after cd from bmg
but I cannot imagine my life without music in it.

As much as I did not enjoy McMaster it gave me a girl who sees no problem in dedicating a whole summer going to just festivals, who will spend hours upon hours searching and listening to new music, someone who spent their high school years attending shows in sketchy venues for local bands.

I have some great friends who understand / share the same passion for music that I have and even though we all may LOVE different bands, the bands one person loves the others like. There isn't a day that passes that one of us isn't recommending something new to listen to or suggesting a new show to attend.

music is a way of life.

rant fest 2009.

2009-05-09T13:07:00.004-10:00

I thought my apathetic state had a lot to do with being in my final year of University, well apparently I couldn't be more wrong.

Maybe it is the lack of work
or the weather

but I've reached that state where I am just done with a lot of people. I said to kc, "I have nothing left to give" and she made a VERY valid point, "maybe it is them that have nothing left to offer you"

and you know what? I've never once thought of it like that but it makes a lot of fucking sense.

Not caring about most things / people is not a fun state to be in nor is it exactly a choice. people wear you down to this state, me the ultimate optimistic realist is letting her pessimistic side shine through.

hibernation is being contemplated but apparently that makes you an 80 year old woman. moving to Toronto a month earlier than previously planned has also been contemplated a great deal however there are a few things would be able to keep me here.

sometimes friendships are even harder than relationships.

.....

AC on saturday is going to be awesome.
good music
good friends
and i get to see one of the few who keeps me sane.

always remember, never forget.

2009-05-08T07:56:00.002-10:00

for some reason as of late I have found myself wondering if I should contact you, to let you know I am doing just fine, to let you know you were always right, I am stronger than I ever let myself realize, to let you know that I'm finally doing what I've always wanted to do.

but then I remember how I got to the place I am now and it was by not having you in my life and I remember the lies, the pain and the bad starts to outweigh the good. everything in my life has started to fall into place and I feel like me again. I thought I would miss you but I don't, I'm content knowing that you're not in my life and haven't been for way over a year now.

I guess I can turn this into my version of a postsecret.

"I want to let you know I am okay, I've become the person you always saw in me, tyfe. but I'll never let you in again".

I found this awhile back
the only words I have left from you and I much prefer it that way
and it was unintentional that they were kept
they still are one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me
even though they will never hold the same meaning they once did
ty for them.

You are an amazing person, and I think not enough people realize that; and on that note I think its mostly a matter of them taking it for granted. I don't even think you realize how amazing you really are, and whatever happens I really hope that you can come to realize that. You always talk about how people loved me, but I don't think you realize that all of those people loved you too. You were and are just like me. I just happened to be good at computers, so got some often undue recognition. You unfortunately got not so much but deserved much more, for all of the people that you helped, and advice that you gave, and stories that you listened to and problems that you helped solve and days that you brightened. You helped people with real problems and real issues and were there for them when they'd done little to deserve a person like you. And I remember when you won your best personality award in the yearbook I thought that you were grossly underpraised, but I was glad that you were at least acknowledged, and to see that it made you smile made me very happy.

And today you're exactly the same. You're still friendly and smart and very talented, and far more independent than you know. You still listen, to anyone about anything, from Jeff's girl troubles to Kev's. From my random stories about a game that you know nothing about to my sister talking about whatever you talk about. And everyone that you meet loves you. But I found that the problem with doing your best to please everyone is that you spread yourself too thin. And you spend so much time helping every person that needs you that you never build any solid relationships. And those people take you always being there for granted. And that's why I love you so much, because of all the people that I have somewhat friendships with and the people that 'love me' but never talk to me, I have you, the best relationship I've ever had with anyone, and the reason the last year was my favourite so far.

white freezies.

2009-05-06T17:08:00.003-10:00

since I've been home I write blogs daily in my head
but when it comes to sitting down and actually typing them out
the words don't transmit
I have however found that I have been writing (like pencil / paper) a lot more.

all I do is eat and watch tv 24/7, I think this couch has formed to my body.

back to the tv I go.

thoughts become things.

2009-05-02T15:14:00.001-10:00

I

need

to

write.

I miss my girl(s).

le sigh.

thunderstorms.

2009-04-25T12:32:00.002-10:00

I finally just got what sara meant when she says, "I actually love your life"

b/c when I take a step back and look at it all,
it is beyond entertaining.

both sides have a story; so don't believe so much in yours.

2009-04-22T18:21:00.002-10:00

I gave you way too much credit.

hearing someone tell you everything that they think is wrong with you because they have this perception of you that couldn't be further from the truth is shitty.

you showed me a lot about myself
and that I am thankful for.

But all I can say is
gl to you my friend,

as I said to you,

it's been a slice.

progress of a mad hatter.

2009-04-22T09:10:00.002-10:00

pro⋅gres⋅sion [pruh-gresh-uhn]

–noun

1. the act of progressing; forward or onward movement.
2. a passing successively from one member of a series to the next; succession;sequence.

my life is a constant work in progress.

lovers do, lovers you.

2009-04-20T10:35:00.002-10:00

it is funny how much can change in a year
looking back to last year at this time I would have never thought I would be in the place I am today.
I wouldn't change any of it for the world,not a second of any day that has passed. All those generic quotes that people use and tell you, "the journey is the destination", well sometimes they really do make sense.

I write my last exam of my tenure here at McMaster in less then three hours and for the first time in a long time everything is starting to make sense, everything is sort of falling into place. I feel like I actually am figuring out who I am and who I want to be, there is so much more I want to learn, need to experience and have to give and I am ready for that.

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)

everything in transit.

2009-04-19T19:37:00.003-10:00

dear bff,

keep your head up
you are stronger than you'll ever even realize.

xo.

don't underestimate party music.

2009-04-19T11:34:00.002-10:00

please remind me why we didn't make it out to coachella this year?
OH YA.
fucking exams.

Friday, April 17th
* A Place To Bury Strangers
* Alberta Cross
* Bajofondo
* Beirut
* Buraka Som Sistema
* Cage the Elephant
* Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band
* Craze and Klever
* Crystal Castles
* Dear and the Headlights
* EL gran silencio
* Felix da Housecat
* Franz Ferdinand
* Genghis Tron
* Ghostland Observatory
* Girl Talk
* Gui Boratto
* Leonard Cohen
* Los Campesinos!
* M. Ward
* Molotov
* Morrissey
* N.A.S.A.
* Noah and the Whale
* Patton & Rahzel
* Paul McCartney
* Peanut Butter Wolf
* People Under the Stairs
* Ryan Bingham
* Silversun Pickups
* Steve Aoki
* Switch
* The Crystal Method
* The Aggrolites
* The Airborne Toxic Event
* The Black Keys
* The Bug featuring Warrior Queen
* The Courteeners
* The Hold Steady
* The Presets
* The Ting Tings
* We Are Scientists
* White Lies

Saturday, April 18th
* Amanda Palmer
* Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti
* Atmosphere
* Band Of Horses
* Billy Talent
* Blitzen Trapper
* Bob Mould Band
* Booker T
* Calexico
* Cloud Cult
* Crookers
* Dr. Dog
* Drive By Truckers
* Drop The Lime
* Electric Touch
* Fleet Foxes
* Gang Gang Dance
* Glass Candy
* Glasvegas
* Henry Rollins - spoken word
* Ida Maria
* James Morrison
* Jenny Lewis
* Junior Boys
* Liars
* Mastodon
* M.I.A
* Michael Franti & Spearhead
* MSTRKRFT
* Paolo Nutini
* Para One
* P.O.S.
* Surkin
* Superchunk
* The Bloody Beetroots
* The Chemical Brothers (DJ Set)
* The Killers
* Thenewno2
* Thievery Corporation
* Tinariwen
* TRV$DJ-AM
* Turbonegro
* TV On The Radio
* Zane Lowe
* Zizek Club
* Joss Stone

Sunday, April 19th.
* Antony and the Johnsons
* Brian Jonestown Massacre
* Busy P.
* Christopher Lawrence
* Clipse
* Devendra Banhart
* Etienne De Crecy
* Friendly Fires
* Fucked Up
* Groove Armada (DJ Set)
* K'naan
* Late of the Pier
* Lupe Fiasco
* Lykke Li
* M.A.N.D.Y.
* Marshall Barnes
* Mexican Institute of Sound
* My Bloody Valentine
* No Age
* Okkervil River
* Paul Weller
* Perry Farrell
* Peter Bjorn and John
* Plump Djs
* Public Enemy
* Roni Size Reprazent
* Sebastien Tellier
* Shepard Fairey
* Supermayer
* The Cure
* The Gaslight Anthem
* The Horrors
* The Kills
* The Knux
* The Murder City Devils
* The Night Marchers
* The Orb
* Themselves
* Throbbing Gristle
* Vivian Girls
* X
* Yeah Yeah Yeah's

I need my summer festival booked like yesterday.

there are so many decent concerts this summer
my bank account almost can't handle it.

all of a sudden i miss everyone.

2009-04-17T17:41:00.001-10:00

i just embraced nostalgia
a little too hard.

le sigh.

friday night lights soundtracks.

2009-04-17T06:01:00.004-10:00

here's to:

being in the library since before 9 am.
arizona red apple green tea.
the lessons of Somalia.
explosions in the sky.
this much closer to being done at mac.
this annoying his boy who is clicking his pen like it is his job.
text messages.
union market bagels.
the girl who wore maroon tights to match her mac hoodie.
vanilla chapstick.
scarves.
leopard flats.
my ibook.
political science 3y03.

empty metaphors.

2009-04-15T17:36:00.001-10:00

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

- Oscar Wilde.

loud chewer.

2009-04-13T09:57:00.002-10:00

horoscopes need to stop being dead on.
multiples of three need to go away.

....the above things
are freaking me out.

HIMYM + GEMSTONES FTW!

yeah we kill them, another killing on the dance floor.

2009-04-06T10:52:00.002-10:00

I plan to be in school for about three more years therefore my birthday will always be in the middle of exams. I celebrated it ten days early this year and it was a wonderful time. You know when you're sufficiently drunk before 8:30 WITH YOUR FAMILY that it is going to be a good night. Di surprised me and came down from London which was so so awesome. It was a wicked time with everyone that came out. Summer will be fun but will definitely need a lot of trips to the GTA as some of my favourite people will be residing there.
<3.

It is my last day living with Sara and that is not a fun thought. She has been the best person to live with and a friggen amazing friend at that, we have a summer / fall full of plans so I think that is what is keeping me from becoming an emotional wreck. We started talking at the end of first year because we were making fun of someone at 5 am as opposed to studying for our exams, a true testament to our personalities. Another friendship came out of my friendship with Sara and I could not imagine not having her around. I think our daily bbm convos really hit this point home.

Random Chatter:
- I have two exams on Thursday and still do not have the reviews for them. However Thursday night will more then make up for it.
- I've had easy love stuck in my head all day.
- New Hills season!!!! Fuck, MTV owns my life.
- Stoked for family dinners this weekend.
- Where in the hell is the lolla lineup?
- As a certain date nears it is becoming more clear to me that I never want part of that ever again. These after effects have been some of the worst / best.
- Kurt Halseys new sketch is perfect.
- May 16th needs to be here asap.

Another chapter is ending and I think I am finally about ready to move on.

eff you algebra!

2009-04-03T05:49:00.001-10:00

I did it.

we could stick around and see this night through.

2009-04-02T19:06:00.002-10:00

Everything really feels like it's coming together finally
Family
Friends
School
Work

But I can't help and shake this feeling that something is missing.
What this something is I've yet to place.

to lock the door. to go to sleep.

2009-04-01T20:45:00.001-10:00

At this point

I care to not make it anymore obvious.

This may actually work.

roll the credits.

2009-04-01T18:52:00.000-10:00

and when I'm done
I'm done.

story people.

2009-03-30T18:38:00.000-10:00

"I was waiting for the longest time, she said. I thought you forgot.

It is hard to forget, I said, when there is such an empty space when you are gone."

— Brian Andreas

always in waves.

2009-03-29T10:06:00.002-10:00

it's been exactly one year.

Last night was quite fun.

Thank you for showing me I deserve more.

....I'm starting to see that you're right.

numbers and figures.

2009-03-25T15:36:00.002-10:00

It's funny what brings us to our breaking point.
Can a person pride themselves on being too strong?

I graduate so soon
I have a DEGREE
I can write 2essays in a day
I can tell you anything you want to know regarding American foreign policy
I can explain all of Samuel Huntingtons theories regarding just about anything in the field of political science

but what I can't do is math.
simply stated
I never have been able to
I never will be able to
I barely passed high school math with the help of a tutor
Does this make me a dumb person? According to the university I am currently graduating from, yes.

The only thing I've wanted to do my whole life
is dependent on the one thing I've never been able to succeed at.

Someone pointed out to me the other day
music is math
and lord knows I love music
yet
I'm the least musically inclined person ever.

This isn't meant to be a sob story
or woah is me.

I've studied
I've tried
I just don't get it.

I've hit my breaking point
I don't want to give up
I don't want to fail
but I'm afraid that last little bit of strength I have left in me is too fargone.

It's funny
I got my ass handed to me in 2008
yet I got through that.

Not too many people seem to get it
math just comes easier to them then it does to me.

I'm sitting here struggling with fractions which I spent a good chunk of my elementary and secondary school career learning about.

How in the hell am I supposed to learn algebra on my own?

Maybe my mom was right
maybe this just isn't meant to be.

perhaps it's time to start working on plan b.

and fate has lead you through it.

2009-03-23T19:51:00.002-10:00

A year ago
I went back on a decision
I don't regret it
I just should have listened to my instincts.

<3.

What is it in me that refuses to believe?

2009-03-23T16:25:00.002-10:00

goldfish crackers
+
a peach
+
sarah mclachlan
+
mills
+
analyzing political discourse
=
living the life.

and all of a sudden
it's starting to hit me
that this undergrad life
is going to be over before I know it
coming to terms with it
is becoming a lot harder than I ever thought it would be.

...it's a long way down to the place
where we started from.

"game changing performanes so far..."

2009-03-22T13:44:00.001-10:00

It is safe to say that today was one of the best days in march madness that I have seen in years it almost made up for the fact I had to watch the last few games here in Hamilton (the keyword in that was ALMOST). My uncle seriously called me about ten times to get my reaction on all these insane games.

The sweet 16 lineup already looks SO good. I cannot wait!

......watching the elite 8 at a kegger may have to be done.

Bring on the next 4 days straight of games!

I am still hoping to see a UNC Duke match up given their rivalry and them being the only two teams from the ACC left.

It's probably for the better that this tournament is only once a year haha.

buzzer beater.

2009-03-20T18:26:00.002-10:00

oh round of 64
you treated me well

let's see if the round of 32 follows suit.

I fucking LOVE this tournament.

so stoked for syracuse / buffalo dates next year!

say a little prayer.

2009-03-19T18:23:00.001-10:00

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I will try my heartest.

2009-03-19T15:04:00.002-10:00

le sigh.

welcome to my life.

I have a school girl crush on coach k.

2009-03-19T07:16:00.003-10:00

March Maddness has begun <3.

and I just want to be back in the falls watching it with my two favourite males ever.

I don't get to watch the syrcacuse game tm as I have to write a stupid math test at George Brown.

however
I DO get to watch the Duke game tn.

hello total happiness from noon today 'til April 6th.

bring on the deep fried turkey.

I wish I could buy back the woman you stole.

2009-03-18T19:36:00.002-10:00

march and april for the past 6 years
have brought about so many significant events in my life
the events of last march and april
are starting to play out in my head
as certain dates draw near
and I can say with certainty that I still don't know how I feel about it
I mean I've come to terms with all of it
accepted all of it
but it doesn't make it any less sad.

and all that I feel
are feelings of indifference.

sometimes I don't even know how I did it
how I just cut you off
like you were never really there to begin with...
....I don't regret it.

the last time I put my past in a box. I threw it away.
where will you put your past?

I've got two tickets to paradise.

2009-03-18T04:29:00.001-10:00

I've developed an addiction to paradise hotel again.

late night reality tv ftw.

this natasha richardson stuff is heartbreaking
and making me never wantn to ski again.

well now something has kept me here too long.

2009-03-17T16:43:00.002-10:00

timing is everything
and with you and i
we can't seem to get it right.

we weren't ready for each other
or that's what i tell myself to stay sane.

it's supposed to fade in time
but it hasn't yet.

which one of us is in control? at this point we are both weak.
we just don't give in.

.....it's not a secret if it's half known.

<3.

let's try and keep as much emotion out of this as possible.

2009-03-16T17:04:00.002-10:00

I'm starting to realize that some of my best work comes when I let myself feel. When I embrace emotion. When I just let myself be.

<3

Doing so
is not an easy task.

'Cause baby, I'm an anarchist.

2009-03-16T15:33:00.002-10:00

I’m a political science major and I suppose before embarking on a final three weeks of essays filled with research I’ve been working on for the past few years about how effective the war on terror has been I should discuss some issues that have caught my eye as of late.
I am really impressed with the provincial NDPs decision to elect Andrea Howarth as leader. She was originally a MPP here in Hamilton and I have worked personally with her on a bill regarding harassment in the workplace. She was nothing but professional and supportive. I am not a feminist by any means but one of the reasons I voted for the NDP in the last provincial election was the amount of female candidates that they had. They do a good job at representing women in the political sphere and at this point in time they fact that the other major parties lack in this category .

The closing of Stelco in Hamilton is still something that I cannot wrap my head around. Can this be put back on Obamas Buy America policy? US Steel did buy the plant for 1 billion dollars. Hamilton has been shook to its core and the effects are going to be felt for a lonnnnnnnng time to come.

Sara pointed out the over abundance of clothing in the malls as of late covered in peace signs and I said to her, “it’s because we’re living in an Obama era now, it’s all about peace post Bush”
Anth reminded me how good propaghandi are and the new album is just as good as their older stuff. I highly suggest checking them out.

……..back to the paper I go.
I mean really who wouldn't want to write variations of the same paper over and over again?

my moon my man.

2009-03-16T10:04:00.003-10:00

Today started out well
as well as a day can start when you have to get up at 7 am.
This weather is lovely
lets see how long it lasts.
I think it's time to put away the uggs and break out the flats....for now that is.

I FINALLY got a test date for George Brown so that is one stress off my shoulders, a little day trip to TO will be in order friday before returning home to the falls.

Girl Talk never fails to make me dance around like a crazy person and make me beyond happy. There was an interesting article in the Globe and Mail on friday about Greg Gillis about whether he was an excellent dj or an expert thief. It was an interesting concept to think about.

Bloc Party on Saturday at the Kool Haus was wicked and a great performance. There is a reason that this was the third time I've seen them. Kele is goodtimes and has a voice that is spot on live. They closed with Modern Love and that was the song that got me into them exactly four years ago. Sara and I walked in and had prime spots right at the side of the stage. Much to our surprise Holy Fuck opened and they are SO SO SO good. Live performances make me so happy and it is in these moments that I am truly happy. Granted I am a bit of a music snob when people tell me that they are going to a concert or have attended a certain show as of late it makes me so happy for them. Music will forever be my love and it's what gets me from a to b. (ty Ben for that line. Summer is already gearing up to be music filled.

I'm coming to notice alot of my blogs are about music and concerts....
...I should not be allowed on the pitchfork or ticketmaster websites.

a weekend with the Ellero family was so fantastic and much needed. <3.

I received an interesting call at work today but that is another (epically long) blog post in itself.

I should stop rambling for now.

we are in a state of flux.

2009-03-15T19:51:00.002-10:00

I'm so uninspired right now
I keep staring at a blank screen
I'm waiting for the words to come
I need to find my inspiration
There are a million words floating around in my head
But none make sense
I haven't drawn in forever
I'm wearing more black then normal.

maybe this change in weather
will bring about a change in me.

war war war I want to declare a war.

2009-03-12T07:20:00.002-10:00

nothing like having an emotional breakdown while sitting in the stupid library.

nothing like being screwed over for a MATH assessment test I have to write for next year based on the advice I was given from the BOOKER. However nearly having a panic attack on the phone with him made him feel bad SO here's hoping I can write this damn test asap (note I haven't done math since grade 11).

I am also wondering why a certain group of people just sang happy birthday in the LIBRARY. The windows setting is the only one working on this computer and I feel weird using windows on this beautiful imac. Also I think it is gross when people cover their apple laptops in stickers especially ones that look like they came from an Avril concert.

My mom text me at 8 am to say good morning it was quite cute. She however then yelled at me for sounding tired and not sleeping normally. Little does she know sleeping like a "normal person" will not be happening until April 20th.

I saw Angelica yesterday which was awesome as I had not seen her for awhile. She is heading off to Australia for a month which I am quite envious of,the pictures that she takes while she is there are going to be so wicked to see. She made me laugh as she said to me, "so whats up in the life of kb? Partying, going to concerts?" hahaha, that is basically the most accurate description of my life to say the least.

After a few conversations with friends about books all I want to do is read and by read I mean anything that is not a textbook. My summer reading list is getting longer and longer by the day and it's getting really hard to just not start now. I have a stack of fashion magazines that were sitting on my night stand in my nf room that I had to put under my bed because the temptation to read them was getting worse and worse and lord knows I already procrastinate like the best of them.

fml.

i ain't no bohemian.

2009-03-10T08:05:00.002-10:00

I really do not enjoy this time of year, the constant rain, mass amounts of school work, weird sleep patterns, the absolute lack of desire to get anything done, being in the library daily. Le sigh. I’ve also stopped wearing makeup as being in a perma migraine state due to the lovely weather sucks hard.

- I want an imac so bad, apple has always treated me quite well and the one I just priced was a lot cheaper then I thought it would be and that was still without the student discount!
- This sparkling pomegranate juice that I am currently drinking is wonderful.
- The past few shows that Bloc Party have played had wicked setlists so I am really hoping that Sara and I get a decent on Saturday when we see them.
- Selection Sunday is SO soon and I’m SO stoked.
- Telus fucked up my phone bill but really that was to be expected.
- There is an attractive WHITE male in the library with a radiohead shirt on. I’m thinking that there is a good chance he doesn’t go here because those two things (white and radiohead) cannot be used to describe 99.9% of the males that attend this stupid school. There is probably a good chance he saw me staring at him but hey its not my fault he is a anomaly.
- I think people are starting to notice me dancing while typing this. OH WELL!

I realized how much my entry yesterday lacked making any sense, that’s what happens when you write with an insane migraine and using blogging as a way to try and fall asleep. I think the message that I was trying to convey was that I do not understand why some people do some of the things they do. We claim to be “friends” and if this is true do we not want what is best for our friends? Why do we feel the need to keep some people just for ourselves? And sabotage others opinions of them for our own gain? I really do not understand this rationale what so ever. Many a times we hear both sides of a story from a mutual friend and who are we to divulge the information to the other party that was told to us in confidence? I really feel like someone who I enjoyed is “testing” me. No contact has made by the other party and I do not understand what the purpose of this is. I mean I understand that we are ALL busy with school and life but a text hello now and again is not a big issue but as busy as I / a few of my close friends are we still manage to speak DAILY. The sad part about this person is that what everyone told me about them which I was very hesitant to believe was proved to be true and by their own doing. They crossed the line and overstepped their boundaries when it came to being loyal to another mutual friend (sidenote this is NOT about a male haha). It genuinely upsets me to see what their selfish and self absorbed ways have done to someone I enjoy so so much. It is going to be interesting to see how this plays out.

flux.

2009-03-09T20:18:00.001-10:00

I had like barely three hours of sleep last night due to taking a late nap and having to be at work for 7:45. I woke up 15 minutes later than I wanted to yet still made it to work 5 minutes early, go figure.

This rain that doesn’t seem like it’s going to let up for years is lame however better then snow, my rainboots may be the best 35 bucks I have ever spent and are going to be essential in getting me through a rain filled march and April. Lord knows friggen campus is flooded as hell and I have class (when I actually go haha) on the side of campus that that you literally need a boat to row to. I repeat I love mac.

I’d like to thank sara for reminding me how wonderful Ben Gibbard is. I’ve been having a fantastic little postal service session while sitting in my bed eating organic crackers and I couldn’t be more content.

The weekend was fun and random yet enjoyable. As predicted the food at my aunts house was EPIC. I’m pretty sure I could have sat there for at least 5 hours and just ate everything (which I happened to do a pretty good job of anyways). There is talk of deep frying a turkey for the 2nd day of march madness, it’s going to be awesome. As annoying as it was to trek to and from St. Catharines the other night I’ve decided it was worth it to Daniel fight the one armed barely English speaking cabbie. Also seeing so many people out on Saturday night for a few birthday celebrations and UFC was really fun.

It’s really strange how a simple conversation with a person or their actions can really change they way you view them. I’ve always tried hard to base my decisions of people on what I know of them and not what others have told me about them but sometimes coming to that realization that others had a point because the person proves them right is sad. My perception of a person can change at the drop of a hat and sometimes it is even for the better. Having hope that a person may not be as shitty as every claims them to be is too much to ask these days. Some people are so self absorbed that they don’t realize that their actions can hurt the people who don’t deserve it at all. So many times a day I refer to someone as, “my fav!”, it is starting to become an overused phrase, all these people are not my favourites by any means. However there are a few people in my life that genuinely my favourites and no matter what they do or say my view of them has remained the same, if anything the adoration for them just grows. If a situation were to arise that would perhaps sway my view it is usually a fail because nothing seems to get in the way of our friendships and I prefer it that way.

the best words.

2009-03-07T12:08:00.001-10:00

"well you know you can name your child harlow now"

--- sara ellero.