People always feel compelled to sum you up, to presume that they have you and can describe you. That's fine. But there are many stories inside of me and a lot I want to achieve outside of one flat note.

- Heath Ledger.

I miss real people.

no words.

someone get me on a plane back to British Columbia STAT.

thoughts become things part two.

I'm just going to start telling it as it is.

or not commenting.

I've kept my opinions to myself for far too long.

where is my mind?

I am trying to remember what is like to be sane and I am having a hard time doing so.



edit.
examples:

my laughing attack out of the middle of no where today at work where I could barely breath or comprehend anything I was saying or being told (Ben can attest to this).

my lack of short term memory.

my zillion thoughts a minute that make no sense.



.....I'm blaming this on my balance being off centre.

now that im older my heart's colder.

I think the fact that I'm "growing up" and not as carefree as I used to be is starting to hit me really hard.

I feel like I am becoming more and more conscious of this daily.






"As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you."
- epl.

stay together for the kids.

Well that episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8 devastated me.

welcome to wherever you are.

who do you want to be?
and what will it take to get there?

apathy.

frenemies.

loyalty.

trust.



and in the end
who do you want there with you?

Without music life would be a mistake. ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

That quote is perfection.

Maybe it was all the Genesis my mom made me listen to as a child
or my dad always letting me order cd after cd from bmg
but I cannot imagine my life without music in it.

As much as I did not enjoy McMaster it gave me a girl who sees no problem in dedicating a whole summer going to just festivals, who will spend hours upon hours searching and listening to new music, someone who spent their high school years attending shows in sketchy venues for local bands.

I have some great friends who understand / share the same passion for music that I have and even though we all may LOVE different bands, the bands one person loves the others like. There isn't a day that passes that one of us isn't recommending something new to listen to or suggesting a new show to attend.

music is a way of life.

rant fest 2009.

I thought my apathetic state had a lot to do with being in my final year of University, well apparently I couldn't be more wrong.

Maybe it is the lack of work
or the weather

but I've reached that state where I am just done with a lot of people. I said to kc, "I have nothing left to give" and she made a VERY valid point, "maybe it is them that have nothing left to offer you"

and you know what? I've never once thought of it like that but it makes a lot of fucking sense.

Not caring about most things / people is not a fun state to be in nor is it exactly a choice. people wear you down to this state, me the ultimate optimistic realist is letting her pessimistic side shine through.

hibernation is being contemplated but apparently that makes you an 80 year old woman. moving to Toronto a month earlier than previously planned has also been contemplated a great deal however there are a few things would be able to keep me here.

sometimes friendships are even harder than relationships.


.....

AC on saturday is going to be awesome.
good music
good friends
and i get to see one of the few who keeps me sane.

always remember, never forget.

for some reason as of late I have found myself wondering if I should contact you, to let you know I am doing just fine, to let you know you were always right, I am stronger than I ever let myself realize, to let you know that I'm finally doing what I've always wanted to do.

but then I remember how I got to the place I am now and it was by not having you in my life and I remember the lies, the pain and the bad starts to outweigh the good. everything in my life has started to fall into place and I feel like me again. I thought I would miss you but I don't, I'm content knowing that you're not in my life and haven't been for way over a year now.

I guess I can turn this into my version of a postsecret.

"I want to let you know I am okay, I've become the person you always saw in me, tyfe. but I'll never let you in again".





I found this awhile back
the only words I have left from you and I much prefer it that way
and it was unintentional that they were kept
they still are one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me
even though they will never hold the same meaning they once did
ty for them.


You are an amazing person, and I think not enough people realize that; and on that note I think its mostly a matter of them taking it for granted. I don't even think you realize how amazing you really are, and whatever happens I really hope that you can come to realize that. You always talk about how people loved me, but I don't think you realize that all of those people loved you too. You were and are just like me. I just happened to be good at computers, so got some often undue recognition. You unfortunately got not so much but deserved much more, for all of the people that you helped, and advice that you gave, and stories that you listened to and problems that you helped solve and days that you brightened. You helped people with real problems and real issues and were there for them when they'd done little to deserve a person like you. And I remember when you won your best personality award in the yearbook I thought that you were grossly underpraised, but I was glad that you were at least acknowledged, and to see that it made you smile made me very happy.

And today you're exactly the same. You're still friendly and smart and very talented, and far more independent than you know. You still listen, to anyone about anything, from Jeff's girl troubles to Kev's. From my random stories about a game that you know nothing about to my sister talking about whatever you talk about. And everyone that you meet loves you. But I found that the problem with doing your best to please everyone is that you spread yourself too thin. And you spend so much time helping every person that needs you that you never build any solid relationships. And those people take you always being there for granted. And that's why I love you so much, because of all the people that I have somewhat friendships with and the people that 'love me' but never talk to me, I have you, the best relationship I've ever had with anyone, and the reason the last year was my favourite so far.

white freezies.

since I've been home I write blogs daily in my head
but when it comes to sitting down and actually typing them out
the words don't transmit
I have however found that I have been writing (like pencil / paper) a lot more.

all I do is eat and watch tv 24/7, I think this couch has formed to my body.


back to the tv I go.

thoughts become things.

I

need

to

write.





I miss my girl(s).

le sigh.