story people.

"I was waiting for the longest time, she said. I thought you forgot.

It is hard to forget, I said, when there is such an empty space when you are gone."


— Brian Andreas

always in waves.

it's been exactly one year.

Last night was quite fun.

Thank you for showing me I deserve more.

....I'm starting to see that you're right.

numbers and figures.

It's funny what brings us to our breaking point.
Can a person pride themselves on being too strong?


I graduate so soon
I have a DEGREE
I can write 2essays in a day
I can tell you anything you want to know regarding American foreign policy
I can explain all of Samuel Huntingtons theories regarding just about anything in the field of political science

but what I can't do is math.
simply stated
I never have been able to
I never will be able to
I barely passed high school math with the help of a tutor
Does this make me a dumb person? According to the university I am currently graduating from, yes.

The only thing I've wanted to do my whole life
is dependent on the one thing I've never been able to succeed at.

Someone pointed out to me the other day
music is math
and lord knows I love music
yet
I'm the least musically inclined person ever.

This isn't meant to be a sob story
or woah is me.


I've studied
I've tried
I just don't get it.

I've hit my breaking point
I don't want to give up
I don't want to fail
but I'm afraid that last little bit of strength I have left in me is too fargone.

It's funny
I got my ass handed to me in 2008
yet I got through that.

Not too many people seem to get it
math just comes easier to them then it does to me.

I'm sitting here struggling with fractions which I spent a good chunk of my elementary and secondary school career learning about.

How in the hell am I supposed to learn algebra on my own?

Maybe my mom was right
maybe this just isn't meant to be.


perhaps it's time to start working on plan b.

and fate has lead you through it.

A year ago
I went back on a decision
I don't regret it
I just should have listened to my instincts.



<3.

What is it in me that refuses to believe?

goldfish crackers
+
a peach
+
sarah mclachlan
+
mills
+
analyzing political discourse
=
living the life.




and all of a sudden
it's starting to hit me
that this undergrad life
is going to be over before I know it
coming to terms with it
is becoming a lot harder than I ever thought it would be.



...it's a long way down to the place
where we started from.

"game changing performanes so far..."

It is safe to say that today was one of the best days in march madness that I have seen in years it almost made up for the fact I had to watch the last few games here in Hamilton (the keyword in that was ALMOST). My uncle seriously called me about ten times to get my reaction on all these insane games.


The sweet 16 lineup already looks SO good. I cannot wait!

......watching the elite 8 at a kegger may have to be done.

Bring on the next 4 days straight of games!

I am still hoping to see a UNC Duke match up given their rivalry and them being the only two teams from the ACC left.

It's probably for the better that this tournament is only once a year haha.

buzzer beater.

oh round of 64
you treated me well

let's see if the round of 32 follows suit.

I fucking LOVE this tournament.




so stoked for syracuse / buffalo dates next year!

say a little prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I will try my heartest.

le sigh.

welcome to my life.

I have a school girl crush on coach k.

March Maddness has begun <3.

and I just want to be back in the falls watching it with my two favourite males ever.

I don't get to watch the syrcacuse game tm as I have to write a stupid math test at George Brown.

however
I DO get to watch the Duke game tn.


hello total happiness from noon today 'til April 6th.




bring on the deep fried turkey.

I wish I could buy back the woman you stole.

march and april for the past 6 years
have brought about so many significant events in my life
the events of last march and april
are starting to play out in my head
as certain dates draw near
and I can say with certainty that I still don't know how I feel about it
I mean I've come to terms with all of it
accepted all of it
but it doesn't make it any less sad.

and all that I feel
are feelings of indifference.

sometimes I don't even know how I did it
how I just cut you off
like you were never really there to begin with...
....I don't regret it.





the last time I put my past in a box. I threw it away.
where will you put your past?

I've got two tickets to paradise.

I've developed an addiction to paradise hotel again.

late night reality tv ftw.


this natasha richardson stuff is heartbreaking
and making me never wantn to ski again.

well now something has kept me here too long.

timing is everything
and with you and i
we can't seem to get it right.

we weren't ready for each other
or that's what i tell myself to stay sane.

it's supposed to fade in time
but it hasn't yet.


which one of us is in control? at this point we are both weak.
we just don't give in.



.....it's not a secret if it's half known.

<3.

let's try and keep as much emotion out of this as possible.

I'm starting to realize that some of my best work comes when I let myself feel. When I embrace emotion. When I just let myself be.




<3



Doing so
is not an easy task.

'Cause baby, I'm an anarchist.

I’m a political science major and I suppose before embarking on a final three weeks of essays filled with research I’ve been working on for the past few years about how effective the war on terror has been I should discuss some issues that have caught my eye as of late.
I am really impressed with the provincial NDPs decision to elect Andrea Howarth as leader. She was originally a MPP here in Hamilton and I have worked personally with her on a bill regarding harassment in the workplace. She was nothing but professional and supportive. I am not a feminist by any means but one of the reasons I voted for the NDP in the last provincial election was the amount of female candidates that they had. They do a good job at representing women in the political sphere and at this point in time they fact that the other major parties lack in this category .

The closing of Stelco in Hamilton is still something that I cannot wrap my head around. Can this be put back on Obamas Buy America policy? US Steel did buy the plant for 1 billion dollars. Hamilton has been shook to its core and the effects are going to be felt for a lonnnnnnnng time to come.

Sara pointed out the over abundance of clothing in the malls as of late covered in peace signs and I said to her, “it’s because we’re living in an Obama era now, it’s all about peace post Bush”
Anth reminded me how good propaghandi are and the new album is just as good as their older stuff. I highly suggest checking them out.

……..back to the paper I go.
I mean really who wouldn't want to write variations of the same paper over and over again?

my moon my man.

Today started out well
as well as a day can start when you have to get up at 7 am.
This weather is lovely
lets see how long it lasts.
I think it's time to put away the uggs and break out the flats....for now that is.

I FINALLY got a test date for George Brown so that is one stress off my shoulders, a little day trip to TO will be in order friday before returning home to the falls.

Girl Talk never fails to make me dance around like a crazy person and make me beyond happy. There was an interesting article in the Globe and Mail on friday about Greg Gillis about whether he was an excellent dj or an expert thief. It was an interesting concept to think about.

Bloc Party on Saturday at the Kool Haus was wicked and a great performance. There is a reason that this was the third time I've seen them. Kele is goodtimes and has a voice that is spot on live. They closed with Modern Love and that was the song that got me into them exactly four years ago. Sara and I walked in and had prime spots right at the side of the stage. Much to our surprise Holy Fuck opened and they are SO SO SO good. Live performances make me so happy and it is in these moments that I am truly happy. Granted I am a bit of a music snob when people tell me that they are going to a concert or have attended a certain show as of late it makes me so happy for them. Music will forever be my love and it's what gets me from a to b. (ty Ben for that line. Summer is already gearing up to be music filled.

I'm coming to notice alot of my blogs are about music and concerts....
...I should not be allowed on the pitchfork or ticketmaster websites.

a weekend with the Ellero family was so fantastic and much needed. <3.

I received an interesting call at work today but that is another (epically long) blog post in itself.

I should stop rambling for now.

we are in a state of flux.

I'm so uninspired right now
I keep staring at a blank screen
I'm waiting for the words to come
I need to find my inspiration
There are a million words floating around in my head
But none make sense
I haven't drawn in forever
I'm wearing more black then normal.

maybe this change in weather
will bring about a change in me.

war war war I want to declare a war.

nothing like having an emotional breakdown while sitting in the stupid library.

nothing like being screwed over for a MATH assessment test I have to write for next year based on the advice I was given from the BOOKER. However nearly having a panic attack on the phone with him made him feel bad SO here's hoping I can write this damn test asap (note I haven't done math since grade 11).

I am also wondering why a certain group of people just sang happy birthday in the LIBRARY. The windows setting is the only one working on this computer and I feel weird using windows on this beautiful imac. Also I think it is gross when people cover their apple laptops in stickers especially ones that look like they came from an Avril concert.

My mom text me at 8 am to say good morning it was quite cute. She however then yelled at me for sounding tired and not sleeping normally. Little does she know sleeping like a "normal person" will not be happening until April 20th.

I saw Angelica yesterday which was awesome as I had not seen her for awhile. She is heading off to Australia for a month which I am quite envious of,the pictures that she takes while she is there are going to be so wicked to see. She made me laugh as she said to me, "so whats up in the life of kb? Partying, going to concerts?" hahaha, that is basically the most accurate description of my life to say the least.

After a few conversations with friends about books all I want to do is read and by read I mean anything that is not a textbook. My summer reading list is getting longer and longer by the day and it's getting really hard to just not start now. I have a stack of fashion magazines that were sitting on my night stand in my nf room that I had to put under my bed because the temptation to read them was getting worse and worse and lord knows I already procrastinate like the best of them.

fml.

i ain't no bohemian.

I really do not enjoy this time of year, the constant rain, mass amounts of school work, weird sleep patterns, the absolute lack of desire to get anything done, being in the library daily. Le sigh. I’ve also stopped wearing makeup as being in a perma migraine state due to the lovely weather sucks hard.

- I want an imac so bad, apple has always treated me quite well and the one I just priced was a lot cheaper then I thought it would be and that was still without the student discount!
- This sparkling pomegranate juice that I am currently drinking is wonderful.
- The past few shows that Bloc Party have played had wicked setlists so I am really hoping that Sara and I get a decent on Saturday when we see them.
- Selection Sunday is SO soon and I’m SO stoked.
- Telus fucked up my phone bill but really that was to be expected.
- There is an attractive WHITE male in the library with a radiohead shirt on. I’m thinking that there is a good chance he doesn’t go here because those two things (white and radiohead) cannot be used to describe 99.9% of the males that attend this stupid school. There is probably a good chance he saw me staring at him but hey its not my fault he is a anomaly.
- I think people are starting to notice me dancing while typing this. OH WELL!

I realized how much my entry yesterday lacked making any sense, that’s what happens when you write with an insane migraine and using blogging as a way to try and fall asleep. I think the message that I was trying to convey was that I do not understand why some people do some of the things they do. We claim to be “friends” and if this is true do we not want what is best for our friends? Why do we feel the need to keep some people just for ourselves? And sabotage others opinions of them for our own gain? I really do not understand this rationale what so ever. Many a times we hear both sides of a story from a mutual friend and who are we to divulge the information to the other party that was told to us in confidence? I really feel like someone who I enjoyed is “testing” me. No contact has made by the other party and I do not understand what the purpose of this is. I mean I understand that we are ALL busy with school and life but a text hello now and again is not a big issue but as busy as I / a few of my close friends are we still manage to speak DAILY. The sad part about this person is that what everyone told me about them which I was very hesitant to believe was proved to be true and by their own doing. They crossed the line and overstepped their boundaries when it came to being loyal to another mutual friend (sidenote this is NOT about a male haha). It genuinely upsets me to see what their selfish and self absorbed ways have done to someone I enjoy so so much. It is going to be interesting to see how this plays out.

flux.

I had like barely three hours of sleep last night due to taking a late nap and having to be at work for 7:45. I woke up 15 minutes later than I wanted to yet still made it to work 5 minutes early, go figure.

This rain that doesn’t seem like it’s going to let up for years is lame however better then snow, my rainboots may be the best 35 bucks I have ever spent and are going to be essential in getting me through a rain filled march and April. Lord knows friggen campus is flooded as hell and I have class (when I actually go haha) on the side of campus that that you literally need a boat to row to. I repeat I love mac.

I’d like to thank sara for reminding me how wonderful Ben Gibbard is. I’ve been having a fantastic little postal service session while sitting in my bed eating organic crackers and I couldn’t be more content.

The weekend was fun and random yet enjoyable. As predicted the food at my aunts house was EPIC. I’m pretty sure I could have sat there for at least 5 hours and just ate everything (which I happened to do a pretty good job of anyways). There is talk of deep frying a turkey for the 2nd day of march madness, it’s going to be awesome. As annoying as it was to trek to and from St. Catharines the other night I’ve decided it was worth it to Daniel fight the one armed barely English speaking cabbie. Also seeing so many people out on Saturday night for a few birthday celebrations and UFC was really fun.

It’s really strange how a simple conversation with a person or their actions can really change they way you view them. I’ve always tried hard to base my decisions of people on what I know of them and not what others have told me about them but sometimes coming to that realization that others had a point because the person proves them right is sad. My perception of a person can change at the drop of a hat and sometimes it is even for the better. Having hope that a person may not be as shitty as every claims them to be is too much to ask these days. Some people are so self absorbed that they don’t realize that their actions can hurt the people who don’t deserve it at all. So many times a day I refer to someone as, “my fav!”, it is starting to become an overused phrase, all these people are not my favourites by any means. However there are a few people in my life that genuinely my favourites and no matter what they do or say my view of them has remained the same, if anything the adoration for them just grows. If a situation were to arise that would perhaps sway my view it is usually a fail because nothing seems to get in the way of our friendships and I prefer it that way.

the best words.

"well you know you can name your child harlow now"


--- sara ellero.

one armed taxi driver.

and that my friends
is why you don't go to st.catharines without a plan.

vici.

"ever thine
ever mine
ever ours"

Ludwig van Beethoven.

- satc.

vini.

"I don't know if it was the fashion or the fact that the four of us were together again but for the first time in a long time I felt like myself"




- satc.

vedi.

"I'll just bury it deep in the back like I did my feelings"



- satc.

so here's the thing.

how can a person be so sure about everything in one aspect of their life?
but have another aspect where they haven't the slightest clue what to do?




......Why did I take an ELECTIVE with four midterms?

play your part (pt. 1)

Sara and I made some plans tonight that made me beyond happpppppppppppy and probably one of the main things that is keeping me sane.

Telus is my service provider for my blackberry and the plan I had with them was already pretty stellar. WELL to make it that much better they added an extra 8 people to "my favs" so I currently now have 18 people to "nationwide call and text". The ironic thing is that I usually only call my mother or Sara when I'm not with one or the other. So everyone be warned, drunk dialing (or texting) may be happening.

Today was a good day. Nothing special happened but with the weather being warmer, waking up singing moneen (a wayback to grade 11 perhaps?) walking/ dancing to school to hercules and love affair, the constant good music being played in the student center during my shift today at work it made for a lovely mood. However this onsale is making me just beyond insane, it is my 7th time seeing this band and I have NEVER seen an onsale like this. Well that is a lie the days of the presale emails were a hassle and a half but we always found around that. I wonder if you still go and see this band, just don't forget who told you about them when you were in grade ten. ha.


I have alot of thoughts going on in my head right now
I'm just not sure how to explain them yet.
but they make sense....I think.





that's all.....for now.



These lyrics are just so lovely and make me the most happpppppppy.

They were sitting
They were sitting
In the strawberry swing
Every moment was so precious

They were sitting
They were talking
In the strawberry swing
Everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing

Cold, cold water
Bring me round
Now my feet
Won't touch the ground
Cold, cold water
What ya say?
It's such
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

I remember
We were walking up
To strawberry swing
I can't wait 'til the morning
Wouldn't wanna change a thing

People leaving all the time
Inside
A perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away
It's such
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you
It's a waste of time

Could be blue
I don't mind
Without you
It's a waste of time

Could be blue
Could be grey
Without you
I'm just miles away

Could be blue
I don't mind
Without you
It's a waste of time

lessons.

We're taught in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic.
Not in this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule not the exception. It's intoxicatingly liberating.

hold up wait a minute.

So today was one of those days that just makes you want to run home and not leave your bed (or in my case I ran home and laid on saras bed). I woke up to a text from my mother which is always a weird thing, I was so frazzled at work as I only had 20 minutes to get ready / eat due to the fact that my housemate took a 9 hour shower. The girl I worked with today told me I was in her class, that she knew where I lived last year and in fact had been at that house a few times. Do I remember this girl? Nope, not for the life of me. This also proves my mothers point right I am always in my own little world. There is an on sale coming up for a concert and it is going to be a challenge and a half.


Some Random thoughts……

- I love maui melon mint gum.
- Also finding out you didn’t fail a class is spectacular.
- Coco Rocha and her new red hair is just amazing.
- I have a feeling the poverty level in Hamilton is about to get a lot worse.
- Milkshakes are the one thing I will never fail at making.
- I miss my couch.

night ripper.

Ben pointed out how the last entry was quite “deep” and I agree it really did scream “you think you know but you have no idea.” So after a day and a half of studying the Islamic religion, lighter topics are in order. The sheer fact that it is March already is crazy and with as crazy as my march is it is going to fly by. I just wrote my second and four midterms (post reading week midterms that is) the time of the third one means I have to miss Shannons dinner party and I am not impressed with this fact at all. I think I am over winter (right along with everyone else) I froze walking to campus today, I am dehydrated thanks to living in a basement and have nose bleeds a few too many times a week.
These items are currently keeping me sane (stride gum, water, lip gloss and hand lotion).

One of my favourite parts of March is March Maddness and with Selection Sunday creeping up on us I am really looking forward to another tournament full of upsets, easy wins and sweet family times. I’m a bit bummed that I wont be able to watch selection Sunday with my Father and Uncle again this year however I am stoked to watch it with Sara again as she got really into last year with me and even picked brackets and everything! I’ll be heading home to watch a lot of the tourney with the family as they have been so into this tournament since before I was even around (they friggen have their rooms booked for the Syracuse date for next years tournament)

Two days into March and I still feel sane, we’ll see how long this lasts. My Mother already warned me to not come home as insane as I did last term and yells at me daily to make sure I am sleeping “normally”. We’ll be making the move into Mills soon and that is when the insanity starts to hit, so really start praying for me. I really just want to be at home watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and eating McDonalds with Ben and Alyssa.

I’m heading home this weekend and like usual my weekends in NF are anything but relaxing (thank you kc for a RELAXING CALM NICE NORMAL weekend for once). Mother and I are finally getting out to Slumdog Millionaire and I really wouldn’t mind renting Vicky Christina Barcelona. There is also a fam jam for THREE of my younger cousins on Saturday as well which will be a grand ol’ time combined with ammmmmmazing food. I enjoy my familys obsession with food.

Seinfeld is on and I’m going to go and love it.