now I long for yesterday.

I wish I knew when this feeling set in, this one of total displacement and resentment. The constant feeling of searching for some sort of comfort or for a sign to let me know that I’ve made the right decision. I spend 99% of my time in this city alone and for the most part I really do not mind it, I have my tv shows, my books, my school work to occupy my time but I can’t help but feel like something is missing. Being away from the people you’re closest with is not something I think a person ever gets used to but rather it is what that person does to deal with the loneliness. I’m trying to remember the last time I didn’t feel like I was walking around like a zombie and I had a total connection to what I was doing or to certain people in my life and I can’t. What makes matters worse is being away from those people who no matter what they do or say, you still just want to be around them because they make everything seem like it is going to be all right. The constant drain of being there for people who cannot even have the common courtesy to do the smallest favour wears thin on a persons patience. I wish I could find some sort of solace soon because after more than 6 months this is getting sort of old. So many times in my life people have called me cold, blunt, emotionless yet those people never made any attempt to get to know me. Judging someone because you think you know them so well off of one event is not a fair thing to do. For the past little way I have found myself so nostalgic for a simpler time, grade eleven maybe. I just want to go back and sit in that ski lodge at Holiday Valley laughing and talking about nothing in particular. Sometimes when I look back at my life over the past seven years it really blows my mind how many friendships were made and broken and people met based off of one simple gesture. Rarely in my life do I miss people, I guess that is a characteristic of being cold and emotionless, the ability to cut a person out of your life like it is nothing, however there are a few people who I miss so dearly it almost hurts. Yet I’ve come to terms with the missing and it is the precious memories that I go over in my head, replaying second by second, minute by minute. Wondering and hoping that those times meant something to someone else as well. I take the TTC countless times, walk around the streets of Toronto looking at faceless crowds, almost look to meet a particular gaze, it has yet to happen. Just waiting to turn the corner to see you there. I don’t know if it is a sigh of relief or a feeling of disappoint every time I don’t see you. Ironically enough I don’t know what I would do if I did see you, I don’t need or want anything from you. I’m going to continue to read my overly generic coming of age books and listen to my angst filled music and do what I have to do.