I want to learn more in the political science field.

I feel like McMaster really didn't allow me to do so.



I mean, I could so be a Terror Expert.

ha.

missing people is probably the most terrible feeling in the world.

and not being able to do anything about the missing is even worse.

I try not to judge

but you make it easy.

I'm never content with what I do. I live in a sort of permanent dissatisfaction. I think that's the secret to doing things well.

- Karl Lagerfield.

I have zero patience for a few people as of late and I really don't want anything to do with them. I'm over one sided friendships, selfish people and those people who are way too self involved. Sometimes I feel like I am constantly burning bridges but there are a few people in my life who I would rather focus on than be so drained by people who cannot make the effort anymore.

I was carried away.
my beloved ibook g4 died today and it may be the lamest thing to say but I was legitimately upset by this loss. It had a good life in terms of a laptop that is and considering the wear and tear I put it through over the five years that we were together. I feel like a little chapter of my life was put to rest today as I rushed to able twice today hoping that she could be revived. During the first journey she was and I was able to bring her home and do one final back up on the lacie so that all my files were saved. But unfortunately after the final back up she just died. I think I may be in denial that something can be done to revive her and as I sit here looking at this beautiful 2100 dollar MacBook Pro I cannot help but wonder what the next five years of my life are going to bring. It was almost a final concrete goodbye to my undergrad and a harsh realization that I am one step closer to becoming a “real person”. The scary thing is I have no idea what the hell I am going to be doing come April 2011. For once in my life I am not going to pre plan every little detail of my life, I am going to let whatever happens, happen. For so long I thought I wanted to work in this fashion industry but the more I think about it and work through this program I am really starting to question if this is the right path for me. I am really not sure if working in such a superficial industry is one where I will be happy but I am starting to realize that Public Relations and Event Management may be the route I want to take.

rip carrie bb, you will be missed the most.

now I long for yesterday.

I wish I knew when this feeling set in, this one of total displacement and resentment. The constant feeling of searching for some sort of comfort or for a sign to let me know that I’ve made the right decision. I spend 99% of my time in this city alone and for the most part I really do not mind it, I have my tv shows, my books, my school work to occupy my time but I can’t help but feel like something is missing. Being away from the people you’re closest with is not something I think a person ever gets used to but rather it is what that person does to deal with the loneliness. I’m trying to remember the last time I didn’t feel like I was walking around like a zombie and I had a total connection to what I was doing or to certain people in my life and I can’t. What makes matters worse is being away from those people who no matter what they do or say, you still just want to be around them because they make everything seem like it is going to be all right. The constant drain of being there for people who cannot even have the common courtesy to do the smallest favour wears thin on a persons patience. I wish I could find some sort of solace soon because after more than 6 months this is getting sort of old. So many times in my life people have called me cold, blunt, emotionless yet those people never made any attempt to get to know me. Judging someone because you think you know them so well off of one event is not a fair thing to do. For the past little way I have found myself so nostalgic for a simpler time, grade eleven maybe. I just want to go back and sit in that ski lodge at Holiday Valley laughing and talking about nothing in particular. Sometimes when I look back at my life over the past seven years it really blows my mind how many friendships were made and broken and people met based off of one simple gesture. Rarely in my life do I miss people, I guess that is a characteristic of being cold and emotionless, the ability to cut a person out of your life like it is nothing, however there are a few people who I miss so dearly it almost hurts. Yet I’ve come to terms with the missing and it is the precious memories that I go over in my head, replaying second by second, minute by minute. Wondering and hoping that those times meant something to someone else as well. I take the TTC countless times, walk around the streets of Toronto looking at faceless crowds, almost look to meet a particular gaze, it has yet to happen. Just waiting to turn the corner to see you there. I don’t know if it is a sigh of relief or a feeling of disappoint every time I don’t see you. Ironically enough I don’t know what I would do if I did see you, I don’t need or want anything from you. I’m going to continue to read my overly generic coming of age books and listen to my angst filled music and do what I have to do.

I used to complain about how much I hated university but looking back everyday I find myself missing it more and more. It is now at the point where I just made a mock schedule on the McMaster website for which classes I would have taken this school year. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying what I am doing now but there is ZERO intellectual stimulation here in college. I over study for all my tests and they are MULTIPLE CHOICE. I really do not even remember the last time I had multiple choice tests, grade ten careers maybe. Where are the 4 page short answer questions and two long essays? I feel like I didn't learn enough or I have missed out on some sort of knowledge. I think everyday it is becoming more and more clear that I will end up teaching at the post secondary level. This has always been a career path that I have kept in the back of my mind. I am truly a nerd and truly love academia. I think too big, I think too much. The other night at dinner I explained to my parents how I will never openly support another Canadian Political Party as I agree and disagree with many policies of all the parties we have here but rather I am a supporter of democracy. My poor parents just nodded and smiled while I ranted about the youth voting rate. I need to find a way to combine my two passions in life, Fashion and Political Science, I mean I guess I will settle for wearing my Barack Obama T shirts for now. But something has got to give.

what a lovely walk down memory lane.